Windy Day

Why do we only ever question God's will when we think His will will make us uncomfortable?  Why don't we question God's will when we're perfectly comfortable?

Jeff had us all go for a walk out in the park today for solitude.  We had an hour and a bit to talk to God and search out some of our weaknesses and our brokenness.  I don't know if I'm just not searching myself deep enough, or if God has worked a lot in me previous to YWAM, but I didn't find a lot of crazy brokenness within myself.  Some people had some heavy stuff today, stuff that really sounded like a crazy and awful place of brokenness..I hurt for them.  But I don't find that about myself!!

This is what I wrote in my journal after hearing everyone share(I'll get to how God spoke to me in a minute).

"Why do I not identify with all these people in their brokenness?  Is it because God has blessed me with such loving and incredible parents who didn't do a lot of emotional damage?  Is it because God has healed much of the brokenness I have already suffered?  Have I had brokenness to the extent these people have?  What is my brokenness?" 

If you wouldn't mind praying that God would aid me in answering those questions, It would be muchly appreciated! 

Ok, so how God spoke to me in the hour and a bit we had today.  To start off, I went out on my walk listening to quiet music in order to quiet my spirit and provide a little more room for clarity.  In that process, I realized when I arrived at a nice spot to sit down that I had completely forgotten what exactly Jeff had told us to do with this time.  So the first thing I said was, "well, God, what's up?".

Again, listening to very quiet and relaxing music to quiet all the busy-ness that is part of every human in the modern world.  I told God I had no idea what the heck Jeff wanted me to talk to Him for, and God reminded me of a question Jeff told us to ask God last night.  So I asked God, "How do you feel about me?".  Instantly my head was flooded with, "I love you, I care for you, I need you, I want you, etc".  No matter how much I know that in my head, every time God reminds me of it He brings a huge smile to my face.

That was wonderful, but I knew there was more I was supposed to be asking/talking to God about, so I asked another question we were told to ask--found in my notes--"What voices are robbing me of my destiny?".  In other words, what are the lies in my head that are keeping me from moving forward with God?  God caught me off guard with this one.

"You don't/can't love anyone"

This is a voice that was a lie, by the way--God would never tell me I am incapable of loving another..which is what He was trying to communicate to me.  Often times I find myself asking God for help to love others because I can't do it on my own--especially people who annoy me.  But God made this very clear to me today: "You are perfectly capable of loving others.  I programmed it into you.  I made you in my image!  It's in your nature to love others!  You just need to stop telling yourself that you can't love, and you will be able to love!"

Next, I sat in silence for quite a while with nothing, and so I started reading my bible; mark to be more specific.  I was searching for some sort of word for God, but the wind kept blowing my pages around which I found extremely frustrating.  Out of frustration I said, "Fine!  Maybe God is interrupting my reading for a reason!" so I just let go of the pages.  They stopped flipping on the title page of mark, despite the wind seeming to be pretty consistent in its blowing.  I almost turned the pages again out of more frustration, but I stopped and contemplated that title page.  "The Gospel according to Mark".  Mark was written by Mark.  God wanted me to stop studying the scriptures to find a word from Him, and just listen, or let Him do something...or something.

The wind started turning the pages again, and I read wherever my eyes fell on whatever page the wind chose to stop.  This is what I wrote in my notes.

"When I was a child, I think I had the same perception of God as I do now(it deteriorated and then matured again over the past couple years).  What does that say about the beauty of the innocence of children? 
-I study scripture too much.
-God desires mercy and not sacrifice.  "You have received free of charge, give free of charge".

That last note was made out of two seperate verses.  The first one(God desires mercy) appeared and I asked God what He meant by mercy.  Almost instantly the page flipped and I noted the second verse(you have received free of charge).  It was like God was reading to me via the wind!  It was lovely.

I didn't write anything after that, and I don't remember hearing anything else.  I got up to head back to the church but I felt like God wanted me to go to the lakeshore first.  So I did, and I stood on a barren rock overlooking the vast emptyness of the lake.  The sun was shining through the clouds in rays like a picture of some sort.  God gave me this thought, "This is pretty awesome, but this is only a sliver of a glimpse of the glory you will one day see from Me."

It was a lovely day.  Catch you tomorrow.